Take Things As They Are...

This is the official ‘i care’ symbol. This is how it...

Thu, 09 May 2013 12:07:33 -0400

This is the official ‘i care’ symbol. This is how it works:

Basically you reblog this, and your followers know that you care and that they can message you about anything anon or not and you will reply back or at least look at their message.

How I Feel About My Dad

Mon, 06 May 2013 01:51:17 -0400

I have been watching a lot of Oprah this weekend and all of the specials have been about dads so it made me think, “how do I feel about dad really? Have I really ever dealt with my emotions or am I fooling myself and thinking I’m ok, but I’m not?” So I decided to share this with you, Tumblr.

The way I feel about my dad is…complicated. I really feel nothing when I think of him or when I see him. I admit I’m glad he’s alive because he drives kind of recklessly sometimes. But anyway, my dad left my mom and my brother when I was about seven years old. I’m twenty now. I remember that their marriage was rocky and they fought all the time, but of course the thought of him leaving never crossed my mind. I remember the day the my mom told me my dad was leaving. I cried. In the midst of my crying, however, I asked myself why was I crying? My dad, even when he was there, was in the garage working on his car or out with his friends or talking to the neighbors, but not really with us. So when I cried I thought to myself “he wasn’t here anyway”. After that they divorced and the whole divorce process began where we visited him on the weekends and he bought us pizza all the time. Whatever. During those times together, he gave us what we wanted and we got to play with our cousins (since he was living with his sister at the time), but he would always criticize me, my brother, my mother and whatever else was wrong with us. (For example my brother couldn’t tie his shoes at 5 years old)

Because of this I started resenting him and hating him. I was already the strange kid in school. I was quiet, a loner, and the girl with the weird name. It was to the point that I thought I was a different species of human so him criticizing me did not help my self-esteem. This continued for years or months until finally I told my mom that I didn’t want to go to dad’s house anymore. I was sick of him and I was sick of everyone else telling me that he wasn’t that bad of a dad. True he gave me what I wanted and needed financially but he didn’t do crap for me. Having a dad tell you your name is weird and scolding you for not knowing something he was supposed to teach you and picking at every little thing that’s wrong with you doesn’t do any good thing for me. I don’t want that dad.

Unfortunately my brother wanted that relationship so badly and he would only want to go to my dad’s house if I went which was hard. Most of the time I stood my ground and said no, but sometimes I would give in and go just for him. I still find myself doing that now. I still regret it sometimes because I would always come back home crying because of something that dad said to me that hurt. This happened very often if not every time I came back from dad’s house, and it still happens now.

Because of this I have a variation of mixed feelings towards him. He is and will always be my dad which prevents me from fully hating him (and the fact that I’m a Christian and was taught never to disrespect my parents also contributes to that). But that warm fuzzy feeling you’re supposed to get when a girl thinks of her dad does not exist within me. When I think of dad, I feel a set of rules.. “Call him. Don’t say anything. Don’t say how you really feel, he won’t listen. Don’t tell him about your boyfriend, he’ll criticize him. Don’t show that he’s getting to you. Ignore him. Don’t forget to say ‘I love you’ when he says it to you “. This same list appears when I see him too or when I talk to him on the phone. No one should feel a list of obligations when thinking of their loved ones. Because he’s not my loved one. He’s just my dad. I don’t know that I love him and I don’t think I have ever needed him though I don’t like saying that because honestly I’m afraid he’ll die and I’ll regret thinking that.

I know that my dad has never physically abused me or anything like that. I even know a person who was abused by their father and still loved him, but I simply don’t. I don’t see how I can love someone who left, picked at the flaws about me, and doesn’t even bother to listen to me when I have something to say. Because of my dad’s picking at me, I tried to be perfect. I tried to do everything perfectly so he doesn’t have anything to say about it. Clearly this does not work, but that’s how I chose to deal with it. I feel for my dad the way I would feel for a jerky stranger except it’s worse because he’s supposed to be the one who “protects” me and comforts me and encourages me, you know? Instead, he’s the guy I forget to remember;he’s the guy I avoid at all costs; he’s the guy who was supposed to stay and that I know will never come back or fix what is/was broken. He’s my dad, and even as I write this I really feel nothing.

Photo

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 12:55:02 -0400

"The heart of Man is not compound of lies, but draws some wisdom only from the wise."

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 11:22:32 -0400

“The heart of Man is not compound of lies, but draws some wisdom only from the wise.”

- J. R. R. Tolkien, “Mythopoeia”

A moment in the sun

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:13:16 -0400

A moment in the sun

"People are so ready to think themselves changed when it is only their mood that has changed!"

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 01:16:21 -0500

“People are so ready to think themselves changed when it is only their mood that has changed!”

- “The Wise Woman, Or the Lost Princess” George MacDonald

I really found a love that’s worth holding onto. He knows me so well without me opening my...

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 04:15:45 -0500

I really found a love that’s worth holding onto. He knows me so well without me opening my mouth. I’m in love you guys. He’s definitely the one

School just started and already I am very stressed out

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 10:09:59 -0500

School just started and already I am very stressed out

He loves me for my modesty <3

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 12:14:07 -0500

He loves me for my modesty <3

dear 98% of the people that follow me that dont talk to me

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 16:31:07 -0500

thefriendliesthorrorterror:

syupon:

tamaraldbrennan:

Who are you

Whats your favorite color

Favorite ship

Favorite ice cream flavor

Do you have a cat

Thank

reblogging again bc I already got some from really cute people, but it makes me irreasonably happy to read these from you SO KEEP ON SENDING THEM

I want to know this

dear 98% of the people that follow me that dont talk to me

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 11:21:32 -0500

thefriendliesthorrorterror:

syupon:

tamaraldbrennan:

Who are you

Whats your favorite color

Favorite ship

Favorite ice cream flavor

Do you have a cat

Thank

reblogging again bc I already got some from really cute people, but it makes me irreasonably happy to read these from you SO KEEP ON SENDING THEM

I want to know this

New Years Resolution

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 01:03:28 -0500

Get a job
Become more independent
Get better grades
Start saving

kari-shma: Jellyfish by Alexander Semenov

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 22:21:58 -0500

kari-shma:

Jellyfish by Alexander Semenov

I’m so frustrated. Moms say too much all the time

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 21:22:59 -0500

I’m so frustrated. Moms say too much all the time

Photo

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 12:29:00 -0500

A Royal Night

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 20:09:23 -0500

The night outside my window makes me think of a lonely and cold place. Yet there is beauty in such places. The color of the sky is a brilliant purple only fit for royalty to look upon, and yet here I am gazing at it. The silhouettes of the trees makes me think of dark guardians watching over me at night and aiding me in the amidst darkness. Night is so lovely. There are certain night I crave and beg my eyes to drink in so that I may remember it for years to come. Whenever I am alone so I may come back to this place and remember the royal night that was given to me by a gracious God. I am at peace for the first time all day. I know what I am to do now.

Forest on a winters day

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 10:49:37 -0500

Forest on a winters day

who needs friends when you have followers that don’t talk to you

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 01:04:46 -0500

who needs friends when you have followers that don’t talk to you

Photo

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 10:23:38 -0500

On my way

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 10:26:17 -0500

On my way